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AlfonsoM
Usuario
Ingresado: 07 de Noviembre de 2007
Lugar: Spain
Mensajes: 1416
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| Escrito el: 17 de Noviembre de 2009 a las 16:24
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Es viejo, largo y malo, pero es de mis chistes favoritos.
En el Corte Inglés de Albacete, había un vendedor que era conocido en la zona por una pericia inusitada en el instante de la venta.
Un día, el gerente de la Oficina de El Corte Inglés de Serrano, en Madrid, requirió sus servicios para fomentar la venta en uno de sus departamentos menos explotados: el de Caza y Pesca.
En su primer día, el gerente quiso comprobar in situ cómo aquel supuesto "monstruo manchego de las ventas", conseguía encasquetar alguna cosa. Vio al hombre ocupado con un cliente y acudió al lugar intentando pasar desapercibido, mirando diversos artículos y escuchando, discretamente, la conversación:
- Sí señor, una buena caña. Pero, permítame, usted es un hombre de gran fortaleza física y quizá ésta no le de suficiente rendimiento si pesca una pieza grande, pongamos por caso una lubina o un pulpo. Le sugiero mejor una de estas que nos acaban de llegar de Australia. Pura caña de bambú, reformateada.
- No sé yo...
- ¡No se hable más! Además, piense en sus compañeros de oficina; los va a dejar alucinados. Debería usted llevarse una Polaroid y hacerse una foto con la pieza más grande que consiga. ¡Va a ser usted la envidia del Departamento!
- ¡Hombre! Nunca se me dio mal...
- Claro que una buena caña no es nada sin un buen carrete. Y en carretes, sólo lo mejor de lo mejor. Mire éste: japonés, lo último, 300 metros de hilo doble resistencia, posibilidad de tres bloqueos. Y si se lleva hoy este modelo -entre usted y yo, ¡por sólo 250 euros!, lo que es toda una ganga- le regalamos un juego de plomos.
- Sí que parece un buen carrete, sí...
- ¿Buen carrete? Mire, yo con uno de éstos pesqué el verano pasado en Barbate un atún de 7 kilos. ¡Una maravilla! Claro, que fue mar adentro; porque las piezas buenas solo se pescan mar adentro. Me refiero a que a la playa no van a venir ellas solitas ¿me entiende usted?
- Sí, claro. Entonces...
- Una zodiac es la mejor opción. Ahora, precisamente, tenemos aquí en la sección de al lado una que estaba de muestra y le saldrá tirada oiga. ¡Tirada!
- Bueno yo tampoco pensaba en ....
- ¿Pero usted qué quiere? ¿Pescar o ir de tiendas? Las cosas o se hacen bien o no se hacen. Y usted es una persona que sabe como se hacen las cosas. Lo supe desde que le vi.
- Bueno, la verdad es que, hace dos años, fui administrativo del mes y...
- ¿Qué le dije? Es usted un hombre que ha nacido para ganar. ¿Quiere pescar? Pescará. ¡Vaya si pescará! Claro que la zodiac necesita un motor, y el mercado de segunda mano no merece la pena, ya sabe... importación paralela, sin papeles, vamos que le meten unos pufos por ahí. Déjese, que tenemos un modelo Yamaha por 1.000 euros, que no se lo podrá creer. Qué sensación de libertad. El aire en la cara, las olas salpicando... no sigo, no sigo porque ¡me está usted dando una envidia!
- Lo de la barca no es mala idea, ¿pero cómo la llevo?
- Si quiere buscar excusas búsquelas. Y si lo que quiere es disfrutar, busque soluciones. Usted no va sólo a pescar. Usted va a pasar unos días en contacto con la naturaleza, a encontrarse a sí mismo. No le creo tan ignorante como para pasar tres noches en uno de esos hoteles para aficionados. Usted lo que necesita es una caravana. Además, no es necesario que sea muy grande. Con una cuatro plazas tiene de sobra, y así resuelve el problema de la zodiac. Podrá llevarla arriba. ¡No sabe el dineral que se va a ahorrar en hoteles! Además de inteligente, creo que es usted un hombre de suerte.
- Bueno yo siempre me distinguí por ser una persona responsable y con iniciativa ....
- Bueno, eso se ve. Bien, señor, ya se lo he preparado todo: será la caña, el carrete (con los plomos de regalo), la Polaroid, la zodiac, el fueraborda, la caravana y el juego completo de aparejos de pesca de bajura. Total... 8.750 euros, que podrá pagar en tres cómodos plazos. Mire, firme, firme aquí... Eso es. Muchas gracias. Encantado. ¡Y que tenga usted una buena pesca...!
El gerente madrileño se acerca alucinado al vendedor, con los ojos que se le salían de las órbitas.
- Me ha dejado usted boquiabierto. ¡Qué seguridad!, ¡Qué psicología!, ¡Qué dominio de la materia! Es usted, sencillamente, impresionante. No he visto en mi vida un caso igual: ¡un tío que venía a comprar una caña de pescar, y le ha vendido usted medio departamento!
- ¿Una caña? No, no. Se equivoca. Ese señor no venía a comprar una caña. Lo que ha ocurrido es que me lo he encontrado en las escaleras y me ha preguntado que dónde podría comprar unos Tampax, y yo le he dicho:
"Pero hombre de Dios, ¿vas a pasar cinco días sin follar y no vas aprovechar para ir de pesca...?
__________________
Tengo la frase socialismo o barbarie tatuada en los genes
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daifan1r
Usuario
Ingresado: 19 de Noviembre de 2009
Mensajes: 5
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| Escrito el: 19 de Noviembre de 2009 a las 02:17
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I'm the Only One
She was my sister and she was sleeping late. She's a lot older than me and at the time she was about to break into films, directing them, so everybody was indulging her. She was the only girl, too. If something didn't wk out in her life and she had to come home f a while, it was a big deal. It mattered me than if I f**ked up in one way another. When Kelly was at home you had to creep around the house and keep your voice down even if it was in the middle of the afternoon. Our mother's Canadian - I don't know why I say that, except maybe it helps explain her opinion about Kel: Smarts Needs Special. It was this crappy little phrase that she had made up and it meant that clever people.wow power leveling, People with special talents, need special treatment. Like they have a disease. You have to meet the Canadian side of our family to understand how cute she thinks that phrase is. I remember thinking that it was bullsh*t when I was fourteen and it still smells bad now. But to my mother, Kelly was this asteroid that had landed in our lives and no one knew how she got there what size hole she was going to leave. I've never been very good at school, and Pete, our older brother, is the same. Then along comes Kelly. So my mother has us all pussy-footing around like a family mime troupe, waving our hands, taking our shoes off.replica rolex,
I'm thinking of a particular mning, I was creeping around trying to make a silent breakfast, opening cupboards quietly, acting like I didn't exist. I'd been doing it f a couple of weeks since Kelly got back. It felt like I'd been doing it my whole life. The situation came about because earlier in the year Kelly had moved in with this guy called Aidan. They bought furniture, the whole wks. Then she cheated on him and he left her. Apart from Kelly being back in our house, it was also a shame because Aidan was the only man she ever went out with, befe since, whom I've had any time f whatsoever. Aidan was a top, replica rolex,man, a good guy. The thing I like about him was that he was smart, but he didn't need much of this special treatment. He was Irish, from Dublin, and he could be funny, he could talk football and he liked to see other people's mouths open and close besides his own. It was good knowing someone like him. I needed it; what with dad not being around, Pete married and gone; and me in a house full of women. That was the year I was praying f a few me inches on my height and shaving the bare space under my nose hoping that something might turn up. So it was good to know Aidan, six foot three and hairy as a bear. He was hairy back and front and Kelly would tease him about it, and he would laugh her off tell her she could do with losing a few pounds which, between you and me, was nothing but the truth. She was a fat little thing back then. And he went and told her, straight-up; didn't care that she was almost, st of, famous. He told it how it was. That was the way he loved her. She never appreciated it, replica rolex,though, and then she had this fling with some pretty boy in the film industry. But you could see she realised what she'd lost when he left her because she slunk back home and holed herself up in Pete's old room that I'd been using f weights. She took it over and lay in there all day in the dark curled up in a stinking duvet watching old black-and-white films. I remember asking her, 'Why can't you use your own bedroom?' She had a small bedroom upstairs that used to be covered wall to wall in her school friends' graffiti until she went off to university and mum whitewashed the whole thing. I asked her again, 'Why can't you use your own bedroom, that's what it's there f.' She said, 'I can't sleep and wk in the same room. I need a study.' She said it as if a study is one of those things you can't do without, like clean water. I said, 'But I need to exercise.' She said, 'You're fourteen. Your body isn't even developed. The only thing you need to do is stop beating the bishop befe you go blind.' This was classic Kelly. She always knew how to make you feel four inches long in every direction.
replica rolex,
So she came back, and I had to move out all my weights and spread them around the house wherever there was space. I put the bench press in my room along with the free weights. I put the Abdominizer in the lounge. I stuck the chin-up bar at the top of the stairs which lead down to the front do. And even though I was pissed off with Kelly f taking the spare room, having the weights all over the place did make it me like circuit training and doing circuits made me feel like I was Rocky. It's what they do in the middle of Rocky movies; a two-minute sequence to show that over a number of months he got fit and pumped up. You pray f that kind of speedy, magic-time when you're wking out, the same way you wish your adolescence would pass like it does in a TV serial: a school scene, a sex scene and graduation. It's slower and faster than that. And some events become still and solid, and turn into a thing in your life, an object like a lampshade an ironing board. They hang around; you could reach out and touch them. This day I'm trying to tell you about is like that.
So: my exercise. I'd start in my room, and do about four sets of twenty. Then I'd run downstairs and start on the Abdominizer. If you've never seen one, they're like half of something fun, half a bike
replica rolex, half a swing. You lie down in them and you do sit-ups. You spend good money trying to make sit-ups something else. In the end, a sit-up is a sit-up. But I'm a big a mug as anyone and I'd try and do two hundred sit-ups in that thing in sets of fifty. The pain was very bad. So I'd think of something that pissed me off, usually Kelly, and the anger would help me push out the last fifty. I wanted to show her that I could develop if I wanted to. Because there was always this thing between her and me that we were both kind of overweight, and always telling the other one that they were obsessed with it.So if Kelly didn't eat lunch,
I'm the Only One
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